Lessons from today - into action & conference

We read from the big book today - a story of a man who had such a fright from a tough life that just continued and continued, he managed to pick himself up for a bit and then fall over again and again. He finally gave in when he knew it was just not possible. I drew parallels in the fact that I see that my life can be leading that way if I am not cautious.

If you had asked me a year and a half ago if I would do as much damage as I did I would have been flabbergasted -(4 detoxes, hospital stay, rehab, loss of job). If this is not yet another eye opener I don't know what will stop me. Every time I pick up I think that I have the ability to control it and get away with it. I know this is simply not possible.

So why do I keep on trying to do it? In my mind the logical rational self still can overcome the odds of the lizard brain and claim success where surely it will fail. I have to remember that one fact to try and keep sober.

What I have to do tomorrow, call someone in the morning to make sure that I get on my feet since I refuse to pray. Its interesting, now I am looking at this blog as a transformation and way of keeping track of what I learn, a public journal.

Awareness of alcohol as a problem?

I'm not sure - I haven't been here in forever... but a realisation has set in. I turn now to alcohol when I am afraid to confront my fears and take responsibility for them.

Its pretty simple, and it sounds as earth shattering as every other great idea that I have had but I don't know why it seems so clear now... In the past two years I can list every situation where I had relapsed and turned to alcholism and connect it with a situation that I did not want to deal with... or at least thats how it started.

Anyway this time I'm not sure what is so profound (an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic) but there is something distintly different with the way I face the problem.

In this case losing my job and not wanting to face with what to do next. Until the drinking binge has actually taken its toll and I realise that I cannot face the problem that way - thats when I climb out of it... or make an honest attempt.

In the past when I wasn't an alcoholic I really didn't face the problems with the same intensity as I do now - heck sometimes I didn't face it at all and that is why I am somewhat disappointed in what life has given me even though I know I should be happy, but I'm not programmed that way. Thats all for now

Gripped in

Happy new year by the way....

Today is day 15 - that was the last time I had an alcoholic beverage.

Over the past 6 months I have struggled greatly to control my tendancy to consume alcohol. Every 3-4 weeks I enter a moment of weakness where I decide to buy a bottle of gin and proceed to get myself absolutely trolleyed.

I want to stop - I'm damaging relationships, my job, future prospects as well as my mind and body. On the 6th of January as I was coming off convulsions of withdrawals from alcohol at the detox centre and my mind was in utter disarray. Why was I doing this again? How did it get to this?

I've got to do all I can to stop this behaviour and the only thing that I can really change is making a more concerted effort to be aware of my actions. I'm finally really trying hard to make AA meetings, get involved and be in constant touch with my sponsors. This must continue. I can't afford to fail this time.

I'm going to try and continue logging my process - Hopefully this is a place to put my jumbled thoughts on paper to help clear my head.

Alcoholism - The slow turn

This has been a long time coming - after all the frivolous stories told about my stay in Hong Kong in the end it turned out not as well as I would have liked. For those of you who know me I came upon quite turbulent times then. I'll skip forward to the events that happened now

I've been wanting for a long time to put my thoughts on paper for the main purposes of sharing my experiences and to try and make sense of all the jumbled thoughts that have wandered aimlessly through my mind.

I'd become comfortable again after my trials with alcohol in Hong Kong thinking that the environment that was left behind were responsible for my behaviour. By the way I owe my life to the talkative Irishman, the proud Hong Kong mix as well as the Angry American Chinese woman for giving me this second chance to re-start my life back in New York. I don't think that I really expressed just how grateful I am but this is all I have for now.

I started drinking socially (You know, be one of the boys and have a big night out). It was a good way to blow off steam. This slowly esculating to drinking a little bit by myself as it promised short term relief from the stress and responsibilities that were accumulating (i.e. work, social lonliness, family pressures etc)... Then I needed to grab a quick drink to make the sleeping easier. It seemed so harmless

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail1.html

I am alive, just barely though

this is completely lame... but you have to vote for -

Evanescence @ www.googleidol.com

wow.... i'm pathetic

but the editing is awesome and the are from the 'burgh

I'm still Alive!

Its been about 20 years or something of the sort since I last posted a blog here. I know its been quite some time, but I've managed to get my self back together and not waste my entire time watching TV/DVDs/getting hammered, as well as make sentences continue running on and on.

There has been quite a slide - I mentioned earlier in this blog that I was slowly slipping out of American social graces because of my lack of daily dosage of television. At least I managed to correct that, got myself Chinese produced DVDs of such popular shows as Frasier, News Radio and Just Shoot Me. However, these are all shows of the mid 90's and if I head back to the US now, I'm still going to be a social outcast when trying to fit in with my peers.

If you are still reading this, the only show worth watching from that time was News Radio, Phil Hartman how I miss yee.

So now when I head back the one thing that I must do is to do quick research on the web about the latest street talk, whos hot and whos not - all that type of crap. Luckily I have the services of Google on hand to quickly bring me up to speed. A quick search and this internet junkie/nerd has any statistic/obscure reference at the top of my head.

Luckily for me I came across this very true and accurate article on the best fake news site there is: The Onion. A great expose on Google's future intentions was revealed, here is a brief abstract:

"Our users want the world to be as simple, clean, and accessible as the Google home page itself," said Google CEO Eric Schmidt at a press conference held in their corporate offices. "Soon, it will be."

Everything else will be deleted. I agree completely, since I have no time to do more research on obscure sites anymore, and I cited earlier it because I'm spending my entire time watching TV/DVDs/getting hammered. I think that I'll be well prepared when I go back to NYC for a quick trip in December.

In the mean time check out 'cool chick' Kathy's site. 'Cool beans', with that terminology I know I'm hip now.

Tamil matrimonials

Took a last minute flight back to S'pore to be at one of my secondary school friend's weddings, pleasent evening out - actually just a good time being back there. Got to meet up with my old dru.. friends. Even managed to see some of the new places around town - surprisingly ended up in an area I would never associate with Singapore, more with Chelsea/Greenwich village in NYC. Still, good to know that its up with the times.

Apart from that I had the barrage of marriage related pleas fired from my mother - she even signed me up at this place. Nevermind that I can barely speak Tamil, here is what "I" am supposedly looking for: A brahmin female (with a compatible star sign of course) with at least a bachelor's degree between the ages of 24 and 28 who is between 5'4 and 5'8. Wow, even I didn't know I wanted that.