Lessons from today - into action & conference

We read from the big book today - a story of a man who had such a fright from a tough life that just continued and continued, he managed to pick himself up for a bit and then fall over again and again. He finally gave in when he knew it was just not possible. I drew parallels in the fact that I see that my life can be leading that way if I am not cautious.

If you had asked me a year and a half ago if I would do as much damage as I did I would have been flabbergasted -(4 detoxes, hospital stay, rehab, loss of job). If this is not yet another eye opener I don't know what will stop me. Every time I pick up I think that I have the ability to control it and get away with it. I know this is simply not possible.

So why do I keep on trying to do it? In my mind the logical rational self still can overcome the odds of the lizard brain and claim success where surely it will fail. I have to remember that one fact to try and keep sober.

What I have to do tomorrow, call someone in the morning to make sure that I get on my feet since I refuse to pray. Its interesting, now I am looking at this blog as a transformation and way of keeping track of what I learn, a public journal.

Awareness of alcohol as a problem?

I'm not sure - I haven't been here in forever... but a realisation has set in. I turn now to alcohol when I am afraid to confront my fears and take responsibility for them.

Its pretty simple, and it sounds as earth shattering as every other great idea that I have had but I don't know why it seems so clear now... In the past two years I can list every situation where I had relapsed and turned to alcholism and connect it with a situation that I did not want to deal with... or at least thats how it started.

Anyway this time I'm not sure what is so profound (an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic) but there is something distintly different with the way I face the problem.

In this case losing my job and not wanting to face with what to do next. Until the drinking binge has actually taken its toll and I realise that I cannot face the problem that way - thats when I climb out of it... or make an honest attempt.

In the past when I wasn't an alcoholic I really didn't face the problems with the same intensity as I do now - heck sometimes I didn't face it at all and that is why I am somewhat disappointed in what life has given me even though I know I should be happy, but I'm not programmed that way. Thats all for now